one year

Today marks a year ago that Clay was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell B Lymphoma. At this time last year, they were not able to diagnose it, so we were just left with heavy hearts knowing that he had some rare form of cancer.

He is coming up on 8 months of remission. This too is a little celebration every month! There is much much to be grateful for and I truly can't believe how far we have come. Nonetheless, I feel a bit like Eeyore today with this tiny black cloud over me not really being able to think about those things.

I think it is just a fearful day. One that I have decided to allow myself to sit in because when it was all happening there was no time and a 5 week old who needed me. Clay and I were talking, while we are both beyond thankful for everything we are realizing there is much still going on in our hearts. Clay describes it as we were in the eye of the storm. Just trying to get through chemo treatments and reactions to it, living back and forth in Houston, dragging Hazel everywhere (not getting the most supportive looks from people in the hospital), adjusting to "normalcy" then. Now, by God's grace, we are in remission, we are in a much slower life, we can assess our thoughts, our feelings and our fears. So while there is no intention to dwell, or to forget the good, there is a need to mourn. Not to mourn because things are bad but mourn that world shaking event that we will both be forever changed by. And to be still in that.